Video: Marital Relationship – Dr. Mufti Ismail Menk (English, Urdu)

Audio / Podcast in English

Auto-Generated Transcription in English

This is an auto-generated transcription thus it is prone to errors.

As-salāmu alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh. In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. Today we will be speaking about a very interesting topic, and that is the husband-wife relation.

I think a lot of people have a lot to learn. Because what happens is, life is full of learning. If we don’t learn, we will not be able to lead a life that is fruitful.

All of us, as we grow, and whilst we are young and still growing, we have a dream. And the dream is, one day I will get married, and one day I will do this. You know, if it’s a female, she would say, one day I will marry such and such a prince of mine.

And the male will say, well, one day I will have the princess, and this is what will happen, and this is the type of person. We need to know that this entire thought needs to be harnessed. And we need to think very carefully what type of a person we want to marry.

The reason is, that decision will determine the rest of our lives, whether we will lead a life of happiness or a life of doom. The decisions of marriage are by far the most important decisions that one could make within one’s social circle and even for the rest of life. So it is important for us to know what the Prophet Muhammad, may peace be upon him, teaches us regarding making this choice.

Firstly, he says that a woman can be married for some reasons. Some of these reasons are, لِمَالِهَا وَلِجَمَالِهَا وَلِحَسَبِهَا وَلِدِينِهَا She can either be married for her wealth. Some people look at wealth, wow, wealthy family, let me get married.

And sometimes they look at the status in society, wow, you know, good lineage, or should I say, high status in society, prestigious people, let me get married. Sometimes they look at the looks. This person is very good looking, very pretty girl, you know, very handsome man, let me get married.

And there is something that people look at which is religion, character and conduct. So the Prophet says, فَظْفَرْ بِذَاتِ الدِّينِ تَرِبَتْ يَدَاكَ Become successful by selecting the one who has religion, character and conduct. And this is why the Prophet, may peace be upon him, says, إِذَا جَاءَكُمْ مَن تَرْضَوْنَ دِينَهُ وَخُلُوقَهُ فَزَوِّجُوهُ إِلَّا تَفْعَلُوهُ تَكُنْ فِتْنَةٌ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَفَسَادٌ عَرِيضٌ When someone comes to you with a proposal, and you are happy with their level of character and conduct, as well as religion, then do not disagree or deny them.

Let them get married to your daughter. If you don’t allow them, there may be lots of fitna and fasad. What is fitna and fasad on earth? Fitna meaning corruption, problems, disruptions, difficulties, calamities.

So many things can happen. So this is the teaching of Muhammad, may peace be upon him. We need not reject proposals without a reason.

Some people will reject it solely because they’ve had a problem with someone. Solely because they had one raw deal where they were wrong sometimes. And their daughter has to suffer.

The son has to suffer. They lose out on good proposals. As we all know today, to get a good person to marry is like hunting for a needle in a haystack.

Perhaps not as difficult as that, but for a lot of people it may be just that. And it is very, very risky because sometimes we’ve picked up part of the hay, and we think it’s a needle. And in the same way, we think we have a good man or a good wife, and it only turns out later on that they’re not as good as we thought they were.

So it’s important for us, once we’ve made the decision, each one of us should be, the main aim in our lives should be to please our Maker, to please our Creator. We need to be constantly conscious of that. If that is the case, we will be able to lead a happy life.

If my main aim is to please my Creator, my religion teaches me to be the best person, to be the best husband, to be the best wife, to be good in character, good in conduct, to get up early in the morning, to read late at night, to make sure that I’ve prayed, to make sure that I have fulfilled my duties unto Him, as well as my duties unto the rest of my family members. All that is part and parcel of my religion, and fulfilling what the Almighty has instructed me to fulfill. And for this reason, when you look at someone who has character, conduct, they speak well, they know how to come across, when they want to say something, they choose the best way of coming across, you will lead a much happier life than marrying someone who’s very abrupt, no character, no conduct, no religion, and so on.

We’ve had cases where you have people who pick up their wives in nightclubs, it is said that is exactly where they leave them. We ask Allah to protect us. What that means is, they picked someone up in the nightclub because of how good their legs looked, or for example, how nice their face was, or how beautiful their hair was.

The day they find someone with better legs, na’udhu billah, or better hair, or better looks, they will drop this one and go for the next. So, that was not the proper way of looking for a wife. Whereas, we needed to be introduced to someone with utmost dignity and respect.

Why is it that Islam teaches us the introduction? So that we can protect the female from being blackmailed, from the gullibility that she might be falling into, and from being abused and used. You find a person behind the backs of their parents, they develop a link with someone, and they continue, this person is blinded by love. We all know even the English saying, love is blind.

The English have said it, love is blind. Islam says the same thing. The hadith, the Prophet ﷺ says, love can not only blind you, but it can make you deaf and dumb at the same time.

Which means you will not understand anything, because it’s love. So, they will come to you with their gifts, with their beautiful words. They only show you what they want to show you.

And in the process, what happens? We tend to think this is them. We have not yet lived with them. We don’t even know their family.

We don’t know what their family thinks of them. We don’t know what the friends think of them. And this is why the introduction was wrong, in the sense that we haven’t yet understood the whole person, and we’re so much in love with them, we cannot wait to get married.

So we think, let’s get married. We put pressure on our parents and everything, say it were to happen, and we ended up marrying the second day, if not the first. We’re already complaining, this is not the same person I married.

This is not the same person. Look at him, he’s vulgar. No, he is the same person, but he didn’t show you what he didn’t want you to see prior to getting married, because he needed you in his picture.

Now that you’re in his picture, it’s over. You’re doomed. May Allah protect us, nobody is doomed.

We always have another chance, but let’s not repeat the mistakes, and let’s not continue in that way. For this reason, we are taught the introduction should happen with respect, and when it happens with respect, the elders need to know about it. Someone, you know, some male needs to know about it, and they need to approve of it, in the sense that they should guide us along.

Before you fall head over heels in love with someone, you need to know their character and conduct, and you need to have moved through a category where you could have said no, without it hurting you, and without you feeling, oh, I’ve lost so much, this person is my enemy because they are telling me no, and that person is my enemy because they are telling me no. We don’t want that type of behavior, and for that reason, we protect the female especially from the beginning. Sometimes, I know the world is preaching freedoms and so on, sometimes the word freedom is used to drop us into the dumps, and we don’t realize that.

We don’t understand it. Sometimes the word freedom is used in actual fact to enslave us. We don’t realize it.

And sometimes it is used correctly where we are, to be honest with you, to be practicing our freedoms. So we need to know what decision we make for the type of person we marry. Once you marry the right person, ask yourself, in fact, prior to marriage, is this person fit to be the mother of my children? Is this person fit to be a father to the children I expect to have? Will they be a role model? If that is the case, the way they will speak to me will be with respect.

They will consider me, they will dignify. Whatever I have to say will be held in high esteem. If they need to correct me, they will do it in all love.

They will do it with such goodness and kindness. When they walk with me, they will not disgrace me in public. There will be people who will try to look at things how I look at things.

And at the same time, as I said, when they need to correct me, they will correct me in a way that will be palatable and acceptable. It will be digested quite easily. What we need to realize also is, husband and wife, many a times, the devil tries to bring them apart, rip them to pieces for nothing, for no reason.

Sometimes it’s because we become impatient with one another. We live with one another. This is why the Prophet, peace be upon him, says, خيركم خيركم لأهله If you want to know the best from amongst you, he who is best to his wife and his family members.

The same applies to a female. She who is best to her husband and family members. If your husband or your wife or your family members can bear witness that you are a very good person, then indeed you are good, because you live with them 24-7.

What’s the point of your neighbors and your workmates and others thinking, wow, what a gorgeous man, what a lovely person he is? That’s because you go to work, you smile, because you’re being paid to smile. You work so nicely, you’re so kind to your bosses and everyone, because you’re being paid to do that. Some wives wouldn’t mind paying their husbands to see that smile, because we don’t smile sometimes.

We come into the home, we throw everything onto one side, we sit in front of the television with our newspapers, and we’re being spoken to, and we’re just saying, hmm, yes, hmm, yes, until they might even ask us, are you a fool? And you say, hmm, yes. This is the type of behavior we have sometimes. We don’t even know what they’re saying.

Yet, someone phones you from work, full concentration on the phone call. What is this? Is this not a double standard relation? Did we not understand that we are working in order to enjoy our life, our married life? We are not married in order to enjoy our working life. People have turned the tables.

And this is why if your work is coming and interfering with your marriage, you’d rather leave your work than to end your marriage. We need to know this. Because if we are going to leave our marriages in order to make our work work, we will end up leaving every marriage we are in.

No one wants to marry a person who’s married to his job. We ask the Almighty to grant us understanding. The point I’m raising is, some people prioritize wrongly.

And they end up giving priority to that which is not supposed to be right at the top, over and above the things which are supposed to be right at the top. And for this reason, children are neglected. Wives are neglected.

Sometimes husbands are neglected. The way we speak to them is far worse than the way we speak to others. Sometimes, as I said, at work, we can speak so calm, so kind to everyone.

But come home, and suddenly we have such a face. Everybody’s helter-skelter. Everybody’s running around.

No one wants to sit with us. We don’t sit with anyone. When we’re on the table, we have, you know, a frown.

And we look at everyone as the most harsh of people. And yet at work, even the girl who brought the tea to us, thank you, thank you very much. Oh, it was so sweet of you.

Couldn’t you say that to your own wife? Thank you very much, it was so sweet of you. Sometimes we have a… These examples can go on and on. But the point being raised is we need to make an effort to try and build the relation.

Relations are built. They don’t just happen. They are built.

And it’s like a little plant. You have the seed. The more you water it, the better it will grow.

Sometimes you add a little bit of fertilizer, and you find it will grow better. The fruit from it will become, or will be of a far more superior quality. So you need to know.

In the same way you’re ready to put fertilizer there, sometimes a little rose can do a lot, a lot of positive, you know, within the home. And yet we haven’t ever done that. There are people sometimes who will buy chocolates and gifts for others who are not even related to them.

And yet for their own family members, they’ve never even bought a single rose, nor have they bought a little gift, nor have they had a surprise for them. Why? This is when you have the relation breaking, especially today in the age of television, in the age of the internet, where people are watching others live, sometimes even on the box. And they see how, you know, happy others might be.

They tend wrongly to compare. It is wrong to compare. It is in fact almost detrimental to compare your marriage to those who might appear to you to be happier than you.

But people are doing it. And when they do this, at least we need to know, let us try our best to develop such a solid relation that they can discuss things with us openly, in a respectful manner. Look, this is where you’re making a mistake.

This is where I think you need correction. And don’t feel bad about it. Take it.

Some men think that we don’t want to be corrected, and the same applies to some females. And this is husband and wife. We are supposed to be the closest, and yet we can’t even communicate.

If that is the case, we’re wrong. We then have husbands who threaten, and continue to threaten. What do they say? No, no, no.

If you tell me this, I’m going to send you home. What type of a relation do we expect there? She has a right to highlight it. And you need to think about it.

This is the closest person to you telling you that I think you need attention. And if they are really thinking that, then you probably do need that attention. Or, you need to engage them in discussion and convince them why you don’t need that.

But you don’t just dish out commands. I don’t even have time. I don’t have time to talk to you.

I don’t have time. Come the weekends, we’re sitting with our friends. Well, why did you get married? You have a wife.

You have children. These are the first order of your friends. This is the most intimate circle.

If you are not prepared to spend time with them, then how do you expect the marriage to work? I think we’ve said quite a bit for today. And this is all food for thought. Obviously, whatever we’ve said applies to me firstly and then everyone else.

And the idea is to conscientize one and all about this beautiful relation between husband and wife. This is only a tip of the iceberg. May we have another opportunity sometime to go a little bit further.

Until then, As-salāmu ʿalaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.